The Velvet Bore Mine

In order be less of a homebody, and see the people I care about more, I went to McCarran pool to see Blue Velvet, well much to my chagrin it turned out Blue Velvet was last week and this week’s film was actually The Velvet Goldmine. Not a movie I was interested in seeing, but I was there, the film was there, it just sort of happened. It cost me precious time and a little more respect for Christian Bale. This the second movie he’s been in, where I found my self thinking more oftern then not, 'when will this fucking movie have mercy on my soul and roll the credits?'

Yes, I could have left, but then I wouldn’t have been able to say with total unabashed certainty that, Velvet Goldmine SUCKED! It was an excuse for Todd Haynes [Molesting...I meant directing Jonathan Rhys Myers, left] and Michael Stipes (who co-produced this snore feast) to see a lot of hot boys making out and waving their cocks around. It was like soft core porn, with a good sound track, A-list actors, and full- frontal. It had this wanna be Citizen Cane thing going on (blatantly) except there was no mystery to solve, or maybe there was but I lost interested. The flashbacks got so convoluted I didn’t know who was having them anymore. In one scene Bale’s character has a flashback to a flashback that Toni Collette’s character had earlier. And Collette was having flashbacks to events she wasn’t even there for. Plus Collette, who is British, was supposed to be American; but half the time she had a British accent (which I hate, if you can’t do the accent don’t do it, but please don’t go in and out of it, thank you Helen Hunt!). It was so bad it made me want to assault people. Maybe that is why Bale beat up his Mum; perhaps he caught a scene on Showtime as he walking out the door.

Bottom line:By trying to encompass the lives of multiple characters and achieve a dream-like menagerie, "Velvet Goldmine" gets lost in it own confusion. Though it strives to be "Citizen Kane," it's only a glam-drenched, decadently, adorned toilet, that Orson Wells might have shat on while writing some of his masterful script.