Void

A close friend of Josh & mine got hit by a car yesterday. She is now brain dead. She is gone but still there. I can’t believe it. She lived with such a zeal for life and experiences. She loved her friends sincerely. She got or was about to get her black belt in karate, she just finished her second masters. Her first was in biology her second was in sociology. She drew and painted, played bas and the drums, she was good at everything she tried. She was so opened I never felt judged or embarrassed when I shared some of my insanity with her, in fact I believe it made her love me more. When I think about her family’s anguish about what her boyfriend of 8 years is going through I get sick. Her mother reminded me so much of my grandmother yesterday (my grandmother lost her son and you could see it in her face always).

There is so much pain in this life, so much random inequity. Life is all about learning to lose things. If we live long enough we lose control of our bladder, our minds, our independence. I have always felt like I didn’t quiet belong here, not like I am an alien, but when I was really young 4/5, I was convinced everyone was hiding something from me. I thought they took another form when I left the room, like they became furry monsters (I guess Sesame Street shaped my reality then). I wasn’t scared of them I just felt left out, like I was the only person in the world that didn’t change. I used to try and sneak up on people, to expose their ruse, but they were too quick. Anyway, I have a point and although this will sound self absorbed, pointless, and not what one is supposed to take away from these tragedies, I feel like I should have died instead. If there had to be one less person in the world why take someone who loved to live so much, why not take someone who just sees deterioration? Yes life is not fair we all learn that one way or the other.

When my mom died in November I felt imbued with purpose. I missed her and still do but I felt like life was short and I needed to try and make mine better. Now I just feel angry and closed off. Like I want to go live in a padded room and be as isolated as I feel, no joy no pain. It’s kind of Zen really. If I replace padded room and medication for green forest and meditation people would think it was a good thing.

I know I will feel better in awhile and maybe inspired by her lust for life. I just don’t right now.