Lacuna

Emma hadn’t thought about that night for a long time now, but then she caught sight of Rudy on the train. She hid herself behind some fellow passengers and remembered. Her boyfriend, Charles, was out late at some kind of meeting; so they hungrily agreed to meet at her apartment. Rudy had this conservative façade, but was really tormented by contradictions, he liked to piss people off, but at the same time, when he liked, you or wanted something from you, he was whatever you wanted him to be. Inwardly they were the same, but ostensibly she stood to the left.

Rudy and his wife had just moved to NYC when she met him. Charles and Rudy were close friends once and Rudy was eager to be close again. He hung around all the time to the point of annoyance. But eventually Emma and Charles grew used to him and began to enjoy his omnipresence. Emma was also flattered by Rudy’s growing infatuation with her. Especially since her relationship with Charles hadn’t weathered their recent tragedies well. Rudy’s puerile affections were a nice diversion, for both of them, from the unpleasant realties in their daily lives. Rudy told his wife that Charles and Emma were his ‘best friends’ and time passed.

Such as all imbalanced relationships go, such as everything in life goes really, things could not stay the same. So Rudy and Emma began to have an affair, it was all consuming and destructive, but so were they. It went undiscovered for three weeks. The night they were caught started off as usual for these sinful lovers. They were at her apartment downing alcohol and chain smoking; sex was not an act they committed sober. That night Emma only had a drink or two before she began to feel nauseas. Maybe she skipped lunch, whatever the case, she suddenly dismounted Rudy and ran, to the bathroom. Rudy followed her and started fucking her from behind, her head still over the toilet, her lips still connected to the water by strings of mucus like hot glue. This seemed somehow okay, life had ripped down all of Emma’s notions that compassion was really anyone’s motivation. In fact it was the perfect crescendo because …suddenly the door handle was shaking and they knew there was no way they could possibly escape. Rudy pulled out of her and cowered behind the door. Emma put her head between her legs and waited for all hell to break lose.

The weird part was Rudy wouldn’t leave, even though Charles asked him, even implored him to several times. Rudy stayed and answered all of Charles questions about the affair. Rudy even told Charles things he didn’t ask about, details that were unnecessary and cruel.

Emma wondered for a long time after why Rudy had betrayed her, and purposely taunted his so called best friend. She hurt her boyfriend as he hurt her, but neither had wronged him. Rudy couldn't even say why, when she asked him about it later.

That morning he slunk back home into the warm open arms of his safe wife, she got him hot chocolate, and held him tight. Soon he thought he was a big man, he got away with it, and because he did it actually made him more self righteous about the affair. That provincial, constipated, coward, dipped his toes into the ocean and now thought he could control the sea. Often Emma wanted tell his wife, just to knock him down a few pegs.

The three of them tried to be big about the situation and remain friends, it was futile. Years later on the train, hiding behind the commuters, Emma realized how little it mattered to her now. That horrible day she thought would linger forever, had evaporated so slowly she didn't even notice it had gone.